Neologism - Wit & Sarcasm In Wordplay

My favourites in bold. I would crown LYMPH and IGNORANUS as the champs in their respective categories. I guess my own quick contribution would be:
Singaporn - a place called Geylang
Bras Basah - a really sloppy laundromate, also near Geylang
Bohtea - really slutty girls who really like their chai latte
Parliamentari - the bewildering 'dance' of the blase and blah-blahs

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neologism> contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that,when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's stupid AND an asshole.

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How To Tell Whether An Expat Is Working In HK, Singapore or Malaysia

I think this is ripe for a repost. The first two categories (HK and Singapore was from the site expatspaytoomuch.com .... So I think I better add my contribution for expats in Malaysia.



Accidentally stumbled across a site for expats in Asia. They have a satirical write up on their welcome landing page. Its funny. The site is expatspaytoomuch.com

You know you are a Singapore Expat when:

You forget what chewing gum tastes like. You wear winter clothes indoors and summer clothes outdoors. You think a bus is incomplete without a TV. You say handphone, not cellphone. You order warm water because too much ice water is bad for you. No matter what you're doing at the moment, you'd rather be shopping You are certain that Holland Village has very few Dutch people and is a place for hippie bohemian artist types and overpaid yuppies. Your idea of a good night out consists of having dinner at a hawker centre and then eating again. Durian and belachan no longer stink. You justify every argument with the phrase "in order for us to be competitive in the 21st century". Most of these acronyms make sense to you: NUS, NTU, ERP, SDU, PAP, MRT LKY, GCT, PRC, TIBS, SBS, SMS, JB, JBJ, AMK, AYE, PIE, ECP, ISD, ISA, CPF, CHIJMES, SPG, CWO.

You get annoyed if you don't see a sign telling you how long your wait's going to be for a bus, a train, or the expressway. You think everything should be 'topped up'. You think there is nothing wrong with putting chilli sauce on everything you eat. You think US$1 million is reasonable for a smallish condo, but S$5 for a plate of fried noodles is a rip off.

You know you are an expat in HK when:

You have developed a taste for mooncakes. Your building's security guard is 4x older than the building itself. All your clothes are tailor-made or come from Giordano. You are not surprised to see an 85 year old lady pushing tons of garbage / cardboard boxes up the street. You believe shopping and eating are the only forms of entertainment. You have become a shameless-name-dropper. You have a MontBlanc pen clipped to your shirt pocket. You believe the HK Jockey Club is an honourable philanthropic organisation.

You can tell who is Andy Lau, Jacky Cheung and Hacken Lee. You believe you are really tall when you are only 5' 8". You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills. You speak enough Cantonese to make your colleagues laugh their heads off. You bring a coat and scarf to fight hypothermia in supermarkets, buses, ferries and cinemas. You are not surprised to find footprints on the edge of toilet bowls. You use the word "Ayyiiieeeaahh" to convey surprise, pain or anger. You are always looking forward to the next Typhoon 8. You think US$2m is a reasonable price for a flat but HK$40 for a plate of noodles is a ripoff.

You know you are an expat in Malaysia:

You think double parking is not really that unconscienable. Everytime you have to visit a government department, you have to take the whole bloody day off. You are so glad to have AirAsia so that you can go to Phuket, Krabi, Bali, KK, Penang for the weekend. You envy the salary packages of fellow expats in HK and Singapore but laugh at their expenses. You worship the sun, but even so, you do not wish to be out in the streets between 11am-3pm. You cannot believe the locals do not use sunblock. You thought OZ was slack but welcomes the most number of public holidays in a single country on earth. You go to the beach but can't bring yourself to swim in it.

You only meet up with friends at Mont Kiara or Ampang. You have never been to Kepong or Gombak. You are not sure if all the girls at Beach Club are really girls. You think the locals drive like failed F1 drivers. You think all Malaysians drive their cars without installing indicator lights. You think crossing the road is Malaysia's national sport. You think Malaysian food is the cheapest and the tastiest in the world. You snigger quietly at how low the rates are for 5-star Malaysian hotels. You think US$25,000 for a locally made car is the biggest ripoff in the world. You couldn't bring yourself to buy a new car at local prices, even though you can afford to, so you end up driving a 5 year old third hand deadbeat.


p/s photos: Rozita Che Wan

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No Need For Words!

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