Financial Jargon & Terminologies For The Current Times

This is largely a repost of some smart-ass definition for financial jargon. Had to do it for the benefit of newer readers of the blog. Some of them were copied

EBITDA
Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor

EBIT
Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering

Brainstorming
Same as blame-storming, trying to attribute blame for mistakes

Management Consultant
Someone who tells you how to improve your business, something he/she cannot do or has never been able to do themselves

Top-Down Investing
People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting

Bottom-Up Investing
People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction

Unusual Market Activity
Something the management and directors always know NOTHING about

Averaging Down Investing
When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance

Doubling Up Investing
Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks

Multi-tasking
Doing more than one useless activity at the same time, better known as multi-slacking

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO
Chief Fraud Officer

LIFO & FIFO
An investment bank hiring/firing policy

Second Board
What Second Board???

CV
The art of pushing optimism and white lies to the max

Margin Account
Shorter rope, tighter noose

Paradigm Shift
Your job in the financial markets is in jeopardy

Hedge Funds
"Institutionalised" margin accounts

Drill-down / Granularity
Words managers learn to use to enslave their subordinates

NAV
Normal Andersen Valuation

NPAT
Never Pay Any Tax

EPS
Eventual Prison Sentence

Don't Reinvent The Wheel
A person who does not know how the wheel was invented in the first place

Net Net
When you have a manager doing a presentation trying to bastardise the English language

Federal Reserve Board
Bank of Japan on Prozac

Thinking Outside The Box
You just want to leave the meeting room and chill because no one has been able to offer any constructive ideas

Equity Research
As useful as a used condom

Equity Analysts
Hopes no one discovers how average they are

Fund Managers
Sponges off the brains of analysts and strategists and call it their own

Chartists & Rocket Scientists With Trading Programs
People who have given up trying to understand the stock markets

Short Term Investor
Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less

Long Term Investor
A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

Off Balance Sheet Items
More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet

Service Level Agreement
It means there will be no service follow up, we are just covering our ass here

Unemployment Office
A placement office for humanities graduates

Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low with the crowd

Value Investing
The fine art of buying low and selling lower

Core Competencies
Phrase you use when you have no idea what a company's or a person's strengths and weaknesses are

P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing

Big Picture
You are just imagining the same meeting with the same people on a movie screen

Stock Broker
Poorer than you were last year

Remisier
Someone who should have kept their previous job

Investor Protection
Padded walls in broking halls

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse

Two Week Holidays
Taken by employees who are oblivious to whether their jobs will still be there by the time they return

Economist
Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong after every quarter, and proceeds to give a confident prediction for the next 3 quarters

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